Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
