trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
