"it" just moved
K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
birth control should be required to get into college
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Randomize
