Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
