Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
