Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
