we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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