Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
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