im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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