I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
