I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
