dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
