Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
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There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
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He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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