Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
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