girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
