i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
