no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Randomize
