First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Randomize
