i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
pop tarts are not kleenex
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
