i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
