please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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