I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
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The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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