I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
