weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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