I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
