You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
