Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
why do cheetos always look like penises
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Randomize
