eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
where am i from again
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
