I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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