Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
