The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
