wat bout pragnant strippers??
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
