You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
