I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
