yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
