i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
