he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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