good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize
