My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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