____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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