dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
