In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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