Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
