My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
