Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
