Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
