you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Randomize
