I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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