i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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