True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
