god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
