Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
