pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
