The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
The Olympian is in my bed
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
