talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
I met the friendliest cop last night
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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