Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
