I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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